Skip to main content

I just wonder that's all.

Sometimes I wonder...life. Its a constant rollercoaster ride, somedays nothing makes sense...somedays I wake up full of joy and I feel like nothing can bring me down....but in the back of my mind I wonder..."is this too good to be true?" I feel as if some one out there is sitting outside my happiness door and as soon as I get happy and joyful...it opens and reminds me of the things I don't what to think about. For instance....whoever is reading this, you probably don't know I have two half sisters. I miss them...I just got off the phone with my grandpa from Russia, he told me of a memory he has of me and one of my sisters....he remembers me and her playing together, and talking to each other and laughing together. I wish I could go back in time and see that. I don't remember it at all. She is only 2 years younger than me...maybe she knows she was adopted...maybe not. but I wonder. My other sister I remeber as if I held her just yesterday...I fed her, changed her diapers, put her to bed...i was 5 or 6.

All of a sudden, tonight...on top of my battles I've been fighting....it dawned on me. I have two sisters out there in the world. my blood...what are they like? do they look anythig like me? I don't know...but I wonder. My grandpa's wish...the only wish he has (besides me visiting him soon)but the only thing he wants...is for me to find my sisters. He said that if it were him, he would do everything in his power to find them.

Do they think about me as much as i think about them? sometimes its hard not to blame my biological mom for this...her sin caused all this. I know God allowed it, and I know there is a plan. It's just hard.

I just wonder..that's all. 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

I'm not proverbs thirty one

Have you ever read Proverbs 31? 

It describes a woman who is intimidating to me, yet I aspire to be. If you ever have time, read the chapter, if not, I'll break it down for you. In this chapter King Lemuel meaning "devoted to God" wrote a passage that was almost a perfect description of his mother, some say he was inspired by her wisdom. His mother, Bathsheba made her wisdom very evident when she was basically telling her son "not to fall into the trap of immorality, chasing after women will sap a king's strength. (Proverbs 31:3) I can only draw my own assumptions that Lemuel was inspired by that saying and wrote up a whole chapter based on what a woman of virtue should look like. I won't quote the chapter in this blog, although I must have read it three or four times tonight, and had it basically memorized at some point in high school, however I'll attempt to simplify with my such minuscule concoction of words.  

So, what is a Proverbs 31 woman? 
She is tr…

It's real

Depression- the word is either used too much or not enough. 

Upon hearing that someone may be depressed, some just look the other way as if it's not real, as if it's a trend or not as bad as the guy next door. Some may treat it with medication, therapy, and may even suggest medidation. 

I heard a statistic from 2013, that 437 children die from cancer, that is one too many, and 4,600 individuals ages 10-24 will take their own lives. I am one hundred percent positive the numbers have increased since, sadly. So. Are we judging too quickly when some one may be depressed? Are we shrugging it off as if it's not a thing. Let me tell you something...

Unless you have mentally experienced the battles a depressed person fights- you have no say. Unless you have felt your own heart beat fasten it's pace because your lungs are trying to grasp for air due to heavy tear flow that became silent- you can not point fingers. Unless you felt the utter darkness that surrounds the mind and the …

what is seen is temporary

the phrase I have tattooed on my forearm states "this too shall pass..." 

lately I'm realizing that the phrase holds multiple meanings. this. what is "this" is it eluding to? here's my faulty conclusion...

this. any state of emotion, life situations, adversities, joys, sadness, pains, tragedies...this will pass. so that leads to this- whatever joys we experience, they will soon pass, what ever pains we experience, they will also pass, the most painful "this too shall pass" includes the connections we make, the relationships we spend our time building, the people...they pass. They pass right out of our lives. You can look at someone and physically see them, all the while realizing the person they were before has "passed", the essence of their being was taken along with their "passing." 

"this too shall pass." 


As contradicting as it is, the permanent tattoo on my forearm indicates how temporary things are in this life. 

Upo…