Skip to main content

I just wonder that's all.

Sometimes I Its a constant rollercoaster ride, somedays nothing makes sense...somedays I wake up full of joy and I feel like nothing can bring me down....but in the back of my mind I wonder..."is this too good to be true?" I feel as if some one out there is sitting outside my happiness door and as soon as I get happy and opens and reminds me of the things I don't what to think about. For instance....whoever is reading this, you probably don't know I have two half sisters. I miss them...I just got off the phone with my grandpa from Russia, he told me of a memory he has of me and one of my sisters....he remembers me and her playing together, and talking to each other and laughing together. I wish I could go back in time and see that. I don't remember it at all. She is only 2 years younger than me...maybe she knows she was adopted...maybe not. but I wonder. My other sister I remeber as if I held her just yesterday...I fed her, changed her diapers, put her to bed...i was 5 or 6.

All of a sudden, tonight...on top of my battles I've been dawned on me. I have two sisters out there in the world. my blood...what are they like? do they look anythig like me? I don't know...but I wonder. My grandpa's wish...the only wish he has (besides me visiting him soon)but the only thing he for me to find my sisters. He said that if it were him, he would do everything in his power to find them.

Do they think about me as much as i think about them? sometimes its hard not to blame my biological mom for this...her sin caused all this. I know God allowed it, and I know there is a plan. It's just hard.

I just wonder..that's all. 


Popular posts from this blog

I'm not proverbs thirty one

Have you ever read Proverbs 31? 

It describes a woman who is intimidating to me, yet I aspire to be. If you ever have time, read the chapter, if not, I'll break it down for you. In this chapter King Lemuel meaning "devoted to God" wrote a passage that was almost a perfect description of his mother, some say he was inspired by her wisdom. His mother, Bathsheba made her wisdom very evident when she was basically telling her son "not to fall into the trap of immorality, chasing after women will sap a king's strength. (Proverbs 31:3) I can only draw my own assumptions that Lemuel was inspired by that saying and wrote up a whole chapter based on what a woman of virtue should look like. I won't quote the chapter in this blog, although I must have read it three or four times tonight, and had it basically memorized at some point in high school, however I'll attempt to simplify with my such minuscule concoction of words.  

So, what is a Proverbs 31 woman? 
She is tr…

and the dust on my feet

From LAX to Dubai to Entebbe- here walking around in my beloved red dirt Uganda. Nothing seemed real until that plane brought me to this country. The plane wheels hit the ground and the tears started to roll down my cheeks. 

For so long, I have been so angry at God for giving this love for the nations, and then not opening any doors. Only to realize, that I needed growth, I needed to turn to Him fully, only to understand that He needed me somewhere else at the time. As I looked out the window through my teary eyes, I heard Him say "See, I got you back here." I felt a sense of relief, I felt as if this was what I needed from Him, to finally feel Him. 

Stepping out of the plane, the instant smell of Uganda hit my senses and my heart began to race. Feeling all sorts of emotions, I took my first step onto Uganda. My heart was full with joy. 

Getting all thirty of our checked in bags was already a challenge, patience was much needed. Sweat dripping down my neck, hunger in my tummy, …

shattered pieces of my heart

"break my heart for what breaks yours.." 

A song we sing at church. Are we crazy to sing a song that literally asks God to break our hearts for what breaks His? 

I've been on a lot of trips before, visiting the poverty, seeing the starving eyes, and holding the sickest of babies. Each trip opens my eyes more and more, and breaks my heart even on a greater scale. 

Today was a hard day for me. So many times during the day I wanted to burst into tears, I felt helpless, I felt and overwhelming wave of so much heartbreak, I think I actually heard my heart shatter to pieces. 

During worship, having a baby tied to my back the Ugandan style, I stood in front of the crowd and watched these kids barefoot, dirty clothes, teared t-shirts jump up and down praising God. In my mind I think "what do you have to praise them for?" Then Janet's words resonated "If you're alive, that is a reason in itself to be praising God." I had tears rolling down my face as I clo…