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Confessions of an empty heart.

It's been a while.

Where do I begin? Its been a while since I've felt joy. I've smiled, I've laughed-but when the day comes to an end... what then? It's been a while since I've opened my bible. Or payed close attention to a verse. It's been a while since I've had a meaningful conversation with somebody. It's been somewhat easier that way. Its been a while since I've encouraged someone or showed grace, its been a while since I ran to God...

My anger has blinded me. My impatience has overtaken me. My ambitions have swayed me. My passion has stolen my heart.

Ever since I came back last summer from my trips, I've longed with all my heart to go back to Uganda or Haiti. My love for those countries has grown so much that I began forgetting, ignoring, diminishing my love for where I am. No matter how hard I've been trying to find joy here, or see God's blessings here...all I get is emptiness in return.

Every direction I turn is a dead end. Life isn't supposed to be easy. Nothing you desire is free. I've realized that. In my feeling like God has been taken away the opportunities for me to do what I love, so because of that I've just given up hoping, praying, and running. I've become someone I don't like.

Today I went to church with a searching heart. Trying to make sense of things. Trying to find God. Trying to see Him. In my distance I've sinned, I've wronged God in my heart, so I came into church full of shame.

The songs always get me. They make my heart melt and they open up my soul. The pastors words strike a chord and I begin to search.

I long for the time I was close to Him. I long for the time where nothing else mattered but His plan for me. I long for the time where I used to be happy, be joyful, be loving and kind. I long for the time where I ran...where I ran to Him in prayer.

It's been a while.

It's been a while since I've seen God in people. But now I realize that we are all human, and want to do things our way and in the process we hurt others, so I long for the time where I had grace.

My soul has been wandering. Searching. But it needs to search for Him. I need to seek Him. I need to not forget who made me. Who saved me. Who cleanses me. It is Him.

These are the confessions of an empty heart.

It's been a while...it's time to come back.  

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