Skip to main content

Confessions of an empty heart.

It's been a while.

Where do I begin? Its been a while since I've felt joy. I've smiled, I've laughed-but when the day comes to an end... what then? It's been a while since I've opened my bible. Or payed close attention to a verse. It's been a while since I've had a meaningful conversation with somebody. It's been somewhat easier that way. Its been a while since I've encouraged someone or showed grace, its been a while since I ran to God...

My anger has blinded me. My impatience has overtaken me. My ambitions have swayed me. My passion has stolen my heart.

Ever since I came back last summer from my trips, I've longed with all my heart to go back to Uganda or Haiti. My love for those countries has grown so much that I began forgetting, ignoring, diminishing my love for where I am. No matter how hard I've been trying to find joy here, or see God's blessings here...all I get is emptiness in return.

Every direction I turn is a dead end. Life isn't supposed to be easy. Nothing you desire is free. I've realized that. In my feeling like God has been taken away the opportunities for me to do what I love, so because of that I've just given up hoping, praying, and running. I've become someone I don't like.

Today I went to church with a searching heart. Trying to make sense of things. Trying to find God. Trying to see Him. In my distance I've sinned, I've wronged God in my heart, so I came into church full of shame.

The songs always get me. They make my heart melt and they open up my soul. The pastors words strike a chord and I begin to search.

I long for the time I was close to Him. I long for the time where nothing else mattered but His plan for me. I long for the time where I used to be happy, be joyful, be loving and kind. I long for the time where I ran...where I ran to Him in prayer.

It's been a while.

It's been a while since I've seen God in people. But now I realize that we are all human, and want to do things our way and in the process we hurt others, so I long for the time where I had grace.

My soul has been wandering. Searching. But it needs to search for Him. I need to seek Him. I need to not forget who made me. Who saved me. Who cleanses me. It is Him.

These are the confessions of an empty heart.

It's been a while...it's time to come back.  

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

I'm not proverbs thirty one

Have you ever read Proverbs 31? 

It describes a woman who is intimidating to me, yet I aspire to be. If you ever have time, read the chapter, if not, I'll break it down for you. In this chapter King Lemuel meaning "devoted to God" wrote a passage that was almost a perfect description of his mother, some say he was inspired by her wisdom. His mother, Bathsheba made her wisdom very evident when she was basically telling her son "not to fall into the trap of immorality, chasing after women will sap a king's strength. (Proverbs 31:3) I can only draw my own assumptions that Lemuel was inspired by that saying and wrote up a whole chapter based on what a woman of virtue should look like. I won't quote the chapter in this blog, although I must have read it three or four times tonight, and had it basically memorized at some point in high school, however I'll attempt to simplify with my such minuscule concoction of words.  

So, what is a Proverbs 31 woman? 
She is tr…

It's real

Depression- the word is either used too much or not enough. 

Upon hearing that someone may be depressed, some just look the other way as if it's not real, as if it's a trend or not as bad as the guy next door. Some may treat it with medication, therapy, and may even suggest medidation. 

I heard a statistic from 2013, that 437 children die from cancer, that is one too many, and 4,600 individuals ages 10-24 will take their own lives. I am one hundred percent positive the numbers have increased since, sadly. So. Are we judging too quickly when some one may be depressed? Are we shrugging it off as if it's not a thing. Let me tell you something...

Unless you have mentally experienced the battles a depressed person fights- you have no say. Unless you have felt your own heart beat fasten it's pace because your lungs are trying to grasp for air due to heavy tear flow that became silent- you can not point fingers. Unless you felt the utter darkness that surrounds the mind and the …

what is seen is temporary

the phrase I have tattooed on my forearm states "this too shall pass..." 

lately I'm realizing that the phrase holds multiple meanings. this. what is "this" is it eluding to? here's my faulty conclusion...

this. any state of emotion, life situations, adversities, joys, sadness, pains, tragedies...this will pass. so that leads to this- whatever joys we experience, they will soon pass, what ever pains we experience, they will also pass, the most painful "this too shall pass" includes the connections we make, the relationships we spend our time building, the people...they pass. They pass right out of our lives. You can look at someone and physically see them, all the while realizing the person they were before has "passed", the essence of their being was taken along with their "passing." 

"this too shall pass." 


As contradicting as it is, the permanent tattoo on my forearm indicates how temporary things are in this life. 

Upo…