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Drama, cliché...call it what you will, I don't care.

What's the point of living when you're not being an inspiration? When you close yourself off to the world and don't let anyone in and pretend that everything is dandy? What's the point? There is none.

This summer revealed a lot about myself. And this blog entry is not attention seeking, or deserves any praise in any way. This entry is about being open, its about letting people in on the messiness. Not hiding. Not pretending.

Quite honestly, I've lost myself. Sounds very dramatic. And some might say so, but sometimes the little things, the little failures, little losses add up. I know I keep bringing up my beloved Haiti and Uganda, and how much I just want to be there, and how much it breaks my heart not to be able to, quite honestly it destroyed me this summer. Have you ever had something in your life that was so great and you were 110% sure this was it? Nothing else compared to having it? You gave your whole heart to it, your whole mind? Anything less then that you pushed away? You began to sacrifice everything for it. You revolved your world around it? And you pursued it with your whole being and the door was slammed shut in your face? Yeah heartbreaking isn't it? I know, I know what you guys all will say. "be patient." or "God has plans for you." oh this is one is my favorite..."maybe you weren't ready." Yeah no, those things are all true, but it doesn't make the hurt go away. It only brings on doubt. Will it ever happen? Was I wrong all along? What am I made for? What is it that I'm supposed to do to inspire. Two of my greatest fears are: being outside of Gods will-confusing His voice with my own. Second: leaving this world and not having an impact. Wasting my life. This summer I began to do just that...waste my time...

...and this is how I did it... 
Some of you know that my biological dad asked me to come and nanny for his new daughter this summer and it didn't work out. Here are my honest thoughts about it.
I'm glad it didn't. Why was I so willing to drop my dream for a man who left me? Who then had the nerve to come back into my life and leave me alone at nights with empty words and unfulfilled promises? I can never understand why I am still waiting for him, why I am still wanting his approval, his affirmation, and his need for me. Why is it that I want what I will never get from him? I will never understand. All I know is I was willing to give my time to him, when he never had time for me.

Then...
this month I found out that my biological mother is not only remarried but is raising someone else's little girl. She's 9 years old now...same age I was put in an orphanage. She managed to have a Russian facebook, she has had it for a few months now and never contacted me, yet she dares to put up my photos on her wall calling me her "daughter." How? She has lost me, gave me away to be precise. She deprive me of knowing my younger sisters I so longed and still want to have in my life. She caused me to live with a constant worry in my heart, are my baby girls ok? What are their struggles? Do they know about me? Do they have sisters? What family were they put it? Countless unanswered questions that I have to live with every day for the rest of my life.

My biological parents have moved on, they are raising daughters...that could have been me.

In no way am I saying I am not grateful for my family, for my mom and dad, they are absolutely enough, their love for me is unconditional and they have proven that to me with every mistake I have ever made, with every mindless act. Their patience with me is inspirational and I love them very much. However, as much as I wish all of this would erase the pain I still to this day feel, it cant.

I can't seem to let this go. I'm not good at that. I think too much. I feel too much and I shouldn't.

I can't run away from it. This summer I attempted to cover it up with nights out with friends, with work, with television, with music..but at the end of the day, I'm left alone to deal with it.

Because of this I've changed. I've switched churches. Pulled myself out of ministry. Shut my heart to feeling compassion. Stopped hoping and dreaming about traveling, or even inspiring people. I began to only live in the moment and through all of that I became numb. I began to believe that God takes things away in the end anyway so I didn't let myself attach to anything. I try and keep my heart on a short leash and my hopes low. Its becoming safer that way.

The truth is, I don't want to be someone who just smiles through it all, I want to be the person who is open about her life, the mess of it all. The deep thoughts, the regrets, the hurts, the failures, the mistakes, the happiness, the joys, the love- it all needs to be talked about. We waste so much time by just pretending life is dandy- what does that do? It doesn't give people anything because they don't know the deep struggles and they can't see what you've overcame.  In order to inspire people, or have an impact, you must let people know where you were and where you are. We must be vulnerable to let people around you know that pain is real and can't be pushed away or ignored- that only numbs you to everything.

So my encouragement to you all. Be real. Be hurt. Be ok with letting people in. You never know who you might inspire. Who you will force to face their demons.

I don't have all the answers, nor do I have it all together. No way. I'm searching. I'm figuring it out. I'm learning. I'm a work in progress.

See...I'm a writer. Not a good one, but I try. The only reason I try is because someone out there is searching just like me. Someone out there is going through something similar to me and doesn't know how else to express it, so write..sing..dance..do whatever it takes to always remember...just be you. Be real. Be open. Be ok with letting the world know that you are not ok. In fact, not even close, but you are trying. Be an inspiration to the girl who says shes just fine, but inside shes dying for a friend. Be someone who changes someones life, lights up someones world, strives to be of some help and be selfless. Don't hide. Let it show.

This entry is a cliché in so many ways, but who cares. I won't let that stop me from putting myself out there and let my weakness show. I won't.

be you.




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