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Showing posts from 2015

here's my heart..

Let's take it back to the basics. 

My life needs a remodel, my heart needs rejuvenation, and my mind needs renewing. 

When I was seventeen, the years where my energy was at it's highest, my motivation at its peak and my certainty of self was absolute. I knew who I was with the ever changing world, I stood my ground with my beliefs. I knew what life wanted from me and I was ready to deliver. I knew my identity and I never felt alone, forgotten, betrayed, or worthless. No matter what I faced, I knew whose arms to run to. In happy times, I knew who to thank and in sad times, I knew who to cry to. 

I have lost my way. 

Here come the confessions of an almost twenty four year old who reminisces about the times when she knew she was His Daughter. I'm still His Daughter. 

I don't know who you believe in, I don't know if you even believe anything in that matter. You might have been so hurt, let down far too many times to believe in anything or anyone. Your family might have rais…


I saw you today. Through a window on an old video tape. 

Lets back up. 
On this dark night, with the wind howling outside and the branches hitting my window, I asked my mother to find my video tape of the trip I took back to my homeland. I watched it. 
My story is intense. It's complicated. I sat there watching myself hug my "family" members, I heard their voices, I saw where I lived. I walked the stairs that led to my "home." I walked through the corridors with ripped wall paper all the way down to the floor. I saw my bed. I closed my eyes and I could almost feel you. 
I walked in the kitchen, and there it was...the window. 
At this point, you, the reader, might be a little lost. See, I had a man in my life who chose me every time, loved me for always, sacrificed a whole lot and who would literally give me the moon if I asked. The man my grandma remarried was the best decision she ever made for herself and for me. 
Moving onto the worst decision my mother ever made.…

Don't walk away. Please stay. For goodness' sake, just grow.

Do you have a memory that takes you back to the time in life where you knew you changed? Where your outlook on people shifted? Where all of a sudden you didn't see much good in the world, let alone the person next to you? Where what used to be a fire in your heart, turned into a bunch of ashes? Where you put your dreams on hold? Where you chose to walk away?

I do. 

The walking away is what I do best, and at this point I'm not afraid to admit so. I've learned that walking away is actually not for my own benefit, but for the benefit of others. My presence at times doesn't make the other person grow, be better, or even smile. So, I just walk away.

Going back to the point in time where I changed, I realized, that I just turned by back and walked away. Now that I am three short years wiser, I wish I stayed. I wish I fought and I wish the old me back.

Lesson here guys, is just stay. Whatever life situation you are in, stay. And, don't just stay, but grow. A tree stays in one…

to the ones who created me.

I think of you. I think of you both. I think of you often. I remember your voices. I remember your smells. I remember your blue eyes, and I remember bear tight hugs. I remember your laughter, and I remember your tears. I remember the bottles in your hands, and I remember the belt above me hitting my bare body. I remember the postcards, and I remember the visits. I remember it all. 
I remember the nights spent alone. 

Most of all I remember the empty promises. I remember the absence. 

I've moved on. I've put you to rest. As I see your lives moved on, with wives and husbands and kids of your own, I ache and you don't even know. 

Father- you take your daughter to the zoo, to the beach and on fancy vacations. I remember the glimpses of you i saw in the hallways, I remember the back of your coat as you walked away. 

Mother- I see you with your step daughter, showering her with gifts. I remember the goodbyes I heard as you left me for days. 

I think of you. I think of you both. 


the feels.

I saw a photo this week and the quote was: 

person: so what music are you into?
me: are you sure you're ready for this conversation? 

If you know me well enough my life revolves around music, the feels, and melodies that sound a lot like heartbreak. I love to read between the lines, and some may say I do too much of that. What I love the most about music is hearing the voices, the tones: the falsettos, vibratos, sopranos and the emotion they each carry. I love when artists lay it all out on the table, the rawness of their melodies speak volumes. 

Music is what typically gets me through my days, sounds that put words to my feelings. Music has a tendency to validate my inner self, pin points my confusions, and gives me solutions. Any song I hear, I fall in love with at least a lyric, a piece of me always connects and relates. 

Melody. The melody of certain songs grabs me and drags me through the various ups and downs, from the highest pitch to the lowest run.  Melody and rhythm of the so…

What if you just let it be

A friend of mine once said "we are always stuck with the what if's." She elaborated more on it resonated with me. 

She explained that there are three kinds of 'what if's' in life, one is a "what if" of the past. What if we've done something different along our paths, what if we did this, and we did that. What would our lives look like now? Then there's a "what if" of the present; what if the things I chose to do now have bad consequences, or what if the people I choose to be around only deteriorate me from my own growth? The final "what if" is future, what if certain things don't pan out how you think they will, what if they go terribly wrong, what if we compromise so much in life, that it will literally be a lesson we learn the rest of our lives. 

There's no escape. 'What if's' are going to haunt you all the time. What we choose to do with them, will change the course of our lives, our growth, our relat…

it's okay

Ever look around and notice everyone else is moving forward but you, perhaps you're stuck and the time is just getting away from you but not everyone else. 

Well, stop looking at everyone else then. Do everything at your own pace. So what you're "stuck." What is that anyway? Who's definition are you using? Are you going off of someone else's success? Or is the world telling you where you should be by now? Quit it. 

No one knows you better than you know yourself. No one knows the baggage you have to always carry with you, no one even has a darn clue how long its going to take you to heal, grow, and move on. You learn when you need to learn, when everything in you begins to thirst for more, that's when you know you're ready for the next move. But take your darn time doing so, quit rushing and thinking you're supposed to be this person by a certain age, or having a certain job or any of that. You are your own unique being, your own person you're su…


You sit and you wonder "what is wrong with me?" You're twenty something, and it seems as though your life isn't progressing. Maybe you're not seeing the big masterpiece of a picture, but it sure looks like a mess up close.

Have you ever seen Claude Monet's Impression, Sunrise painting? Monet and his style of painting says something. It might not say the same thing to you, but hear me out. He wasn't your typical painter, he actually studied nature, the colors, and the changes. He watched the sunsets and it's shades, he witnessed the sunrises and its fullness of light. He dissected each color spectrum and he interpreted that onto a canvas. In this particular painting taking place in France, up close, I saw blobs of colors, and quite frankly the colors were all blended in and looked the same. What seemed to be the figures from afar, looked like sticks up close. I so love and appreciate this specific painting.

Where am I getting at? Life may not look so c…

I never liked puzzles

It's dark and windy tonight. My shutters half way closed, I see a reflection of outside on my ceiling. I hear the wind blow in the trees, cars drive by and sometimes I see lights. However, it is so hauntingly quiet, and with no surprise my thoughts are louder than ever.

Have you ever felt as though things are about to change? You can't pin point it, can't imagine it, can't even trace it? As if something in you is being awakened?

I laid here, in my fluffy bed for about thirty minutes, and all that ran through my mind is the word "change."
It's terrifying, yet intriguing.

My life has been so all over the place these past couple of years, and even more so these past couple of months. So many changes within me, I can't even keep up.

I feel as though I'm unraveling. My own self was lost and piece by piece I'm putting myself back together again. I'm seeing so much of what does not fit, puzzle pieces that don't belong where I tried so hard to…

Walk the Halls

"When one door closes, another one opens" or "good things end, better things will begin" or something like that. We hear those all the time as encouragements. Fluffy encouragements I should say.

I used to be all for it though, don't get me wrong, optimism is everything, but it ain't the key. The key is...realism.

When good things come to an end, whether abruptly or gradually, give yourself time. Time to process, soak it all in, time to be still, and just take a breath and relax. I used to frantically look for a solution right when there was a stall.

My mama always says "this too shall pass" and guess what, sometimes its gonna take its darn time to actually pass. It might take a few months for whatever it is you're going through to pass over, or it might take a lifetime, and quite frankly it might not at all.

What I've been realizing, is that we don't give ourselves the "pause" we deserve. We don't take the proper time ne…

No..I \will\ hope.

Here comes another cheesy, cliche and completely unoriginal thought from a twenty something...growing up.
From the time we are born we are taught by our parents, peers, school, and society "the ways of life." Parents do their best to prepare us for every single difficult encounter we will face in life, they tell us about their mistakes in hopes of us not repeating them; which, ha lets face it we do. Not only do we repeat their mistakes, we also at times go above and beyond and do much worse. In high school, our peers or so called friends teach you lessons no one in the world can teach you; the value of friendships, your self worth, and courage. As far as society goes, well, it fails on so many levels. The way social media portrays us twenty somethings is utterly mediocre. Ninety five percent of shows and movies we watch in the span of growing up, gives us a false picture of a smooth sailing from high school right into college, with a wonderful and too good to be true signifi…

| Love the optimism though |

This is the day where everyone starts their New Year resolutions, where every one says "the past is the past," "new page to your novel begins now," and many more cliche sayings.
Reality check. The past doesn't disappear the minute you wake up on January first, and "new page to your novel" is just a page of the same old book, probably even the same chapter. Nothing changes over night. I love the optimism though.
Why say such things when we all clearly know that none of them are true? Stop saying "closing a chapter" but say "I lived 2014, and I will continue living 2015 and so on." Mistakes, heartache, set backs, tears, joys, fear,'s a continuous soundtrack to life that keeps replaying every single year whether you like it or not. So just stop closing chapters, but improve your book all together.
Resolutions. Just stop there. Have goals yes, but don't just have them at the end of a year, have them every day. Don&#…