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window

I saw you today. Through a window on an old video tape. 

Lets back up. 

On this dark night, with the wind howling outside and the branches hitting my window, I asked my mother to find my video tape of the trip I took back to my homeland. I watched it. 

My story is intense. It's complicated. I sat there watching myself hug my "family" members, I heard their voices, I saw where I lived. I walked the stairs that led to my "home." I walked through the corridors with ripped wall paper all the way down to the floor. I saw my bed. I closed my eyes and I could almost feel you. 

I walked in the kitchen, and there it was...the window. 

At this point, you, the reader, might be a little lost. See, I had a man in my life who chose me every time, loved me for always, sacrificed a whole lot and who would literally give me the moon if I asked. The man my grandma remarried was the best decision she ever made for herself and for me. 

Moving onto the worst decision my mother ever made...him. A man I despise. With everything in me. A man who was the epitome of abuse. A man who killed. 

These two men played huge roles in my life, and they were so opposite, night and day, north and south, light and dark. 

In this story, darkness won. 

And I saw you today. In the light. 

Watching those memories play before my eyes, as I wiped the tears away I remembered the broken little girl I was that day. The day I came home and he wasn't there. The day I held my grieving grandma in my arms, with my little seven year old body jerking with every single sob of hers. It's hard to grasp it all sometimes. 

I think back and often times I just brush it off, I thank God for the life I was given and I don't even let myself dwell. But tonight, for the first time since I was seven, I let it sink in. I'm fully grasping the loss, I'm very aware of the ever present hate I will always have toward the man my mother begged me to call father. To the one who took a life of the only one I truly ever belonged to. 

My life is transparent, I don't want to hold anything back. I write it all for you, the reader, to engulf yourself into my story for solely one purpose-it's ok. It's ok to remember the heartache of your past, it's ok to turn your head backwards sometimes to see how much you've grown. It's ok to embrace where you came from, what life events formed you. No, I will never be grateful for that core memory. But I will always know that nothing I face in my twenty fourth year of life will ever come close to being as traumatizing, devastating and heartbreaking as losing him. 

I saw my light. 

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