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here's my heart..

Let's take it back to the basics. 

My life needs a remodel, my heart needs rejuvenation, and my mind needs renewing. 

When I was seventeen, the years where my energy was at it's highest, my motivation at its peak and my certainty of self was absolute. I knew who I was with the ever changing world, I stood my ground with my beliefs. I knew what life wanted from me and I was ready to deliver. I knew my identity and I never felt alone, forgotten, betrayed, or worthless. No matter what I faced, I knew whose arms to run to. In happy times, I knew who to thank and in sad times, I knew who to cry to. 

I have lost my way. 

Here come the confessions of an almost twenty four year old who reminisces about the times when she knew she was His Daughter. I'm still His Daughter. 

I don't know who you believe in, I don't know if you even believe anything in that matter. You might have been so hurt, let down far too many times to believe in anything or anyone. Your family might have raised you to believe in God, but you went your own way, or you stayed believing. Faith. 

The saddest thing is, you'd never know I have faith. You'd never know I identify myself as a Christian, and you'd never know I believe. 

The past three years, I've left all that I was, closed the Big Book for good, and stopped running to the One I believe in. I fell in love with everything but Him, I was mesmerized with anyone but God, and I ran to everybody else besides the One who used to be my Rock.  

A lot of people use God as a crutch, they believe whenever the road gets tough, but when everything is fine and dandy they ignore His voice. Some people are all of a sudden believers during the Holiday Seasons and forsake that fire the next year. 

I may have reached the point of hitting rock bottom. It might not be evident on the surface, but in my mind and heart, it's time. My realization is, nothing I grasp for helps fill the holes, nothing I do to numb the emptiness helps, and no matter how busy I try to be, nothing can make me forget Him. 

I sit on my bed, with my window open, in my over-sized soft sweater, wet hair, and my bible open. Before I fully dive in, I'm reminded of my seventeen year old self, and I feel her settling back in. Back home in His arms. The Big Book is a reminder that no matter how far I've ran, in the readings i see that it's never me reaching for Him, it's Him always reaching for me. 

I feel as though I've been stuck in a four wall brick room, cold, still, helpless. Each corner I see, each wall I touch, I realize that I've built it all myself. I've closed myself off, and I hold on to things that I want to keep but they continue to slip through my fingers. I've built the walls so high, I myself can't even climb, so I cry out. I pray. 

It's time. 

Guys, do yourself a favor, don't treat faith as a last resort. It is the only resort. Life is rough everywhere, for everyone, and the battles we fight are intense, so why waste our time grasping and groping, when it's right in front of us. 

"Bind my wandering heart to Thee. Prone to wander, Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love, here’s my heart..." 

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