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my grandma's house

It will always be My Grandma's house.

Tomorrow it will be two weeks without her presence here on earth and next to us. Two weeks used to feel so long ago and now two weeks seems like yesterday. With each life taken there is an immeasurable amount of pain we go through, the tears we shed, the sobbing bodies we hold, and we let others hold us when all we wish is to be in her arms just one more time.

I've watched the husband of his beloved wife weep, pounding his fist on the hospital table crying out "no, no, no, please no." I watched the denial fade and the reality settle into a man who has lost his beloved girl. I hear his cries still.

I've witnessed a great weakness come over the youngest son of this wonderful women I call my grandma. There's a hole in his heart and I see right into it. When I close my eyes in this barely lit room I can still see him giving his mother a last good bye hug, holding that lifeless body, and kissing those ice cold cheeks. I hear the shaking of his voice as he tries to hold back tears over the loss of the woman he loved the most. The son's wife speaks of sleepless nights, endless memories, and holds her husband with all his broken pieces.

We rely on these comforting words "she is in a better place" our mouth says it, and we want to rejoice, but our human hearts can't handle the absence. All of a sudden, the world seems that much more empty and that much more quiet. We look around hoping to see her face in the crowds of families, around dinner tables, or just sitting in her chair with her feet up, and the sadness settles in once again and makes a home in the depths of our souls.

The lovely woman's family gathers together, travels to say their last goodbyes. Her wish. My grandma's one and only wish was for her family to be together, for us to all love one another and to accept each other with open arms. She loved selflessly, she had no care in your wrong doings, she only saw you though Jesus' eyes, pure, with great potential, and someone who she would lift up to the Lord on the daily basis. She walked with grace, poured out love, showed compassion, and did it all with a beautiful smile on her face. Her smile wrinkles were my favorite.

It is sad that it takes one life well lived to be taken for me to realize what is important in life. What I wouldn't do to hear her tell her stories for the hundredth time, to hear her contagious laugh, to see those blue eyes squint from joy. Someone has said "the pain will never go away, but it will soften" I bank on that. I pray for two of my favorite men to let their pain soften, to let themselves unapologetically mourn.

The rest of the family, they need strength to carry on the legacy our grandma left, I see bits a pieces in each one of the cousins. One is filled with elegance and endless grace, another is full of the sweet lady's joy, then there's one who feels so deeply as she would, one who urgently speaks of her God, another who brings joy and laughter to the family in time of need, I see a servants heart in the girls that she has passed on. So her life, her legacy, her story lives on.

If any of you have encountered my grandmother, and have experienced her unconditional love- don't ever let it go, live it out and pass it on.

I thank my God for living in her and using her as a tool to show us and those who knew her what love looks like.

This soul that is typing away on her computer, sitting in what now is a very dark room and is only lit with the light from the screen, she can't wrap her mind around this loss. This girl already seen loss, many times. But this one, she can't shake.

I know grandma is watching, and she is laughing at all of our tears, she'd say "why are you crying? I'm with Jesus?"

When I go to my grandma's house, I still hear her say hello to me, I still see her watching us, I see her in the kitchen telling me to not eat before dinner, I hear her voice call me everything but my name. And that is the beauty of her, she had so many names in her head, so many people she loved, so many names she lifted up in prayer, but in the end she'd say my name.

Our lives are forever changed, but one thing will never change, it will always be my grandma's house.

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