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not even I

Since my grandmothers passing, I have decided to take my faith more seriously. The short twelve years that I was blessed with knowing that wonderful lady, I have watched God pour out of her. At her memorial, seeing all the lives she has touched, made me look at my life, am I going to leave a legacy like that someday? Will I be a blessing for people to remember and to miss? How in the world did she manage to do it all and to love so many? 

I came up with one answer and one answer only...God. 

I had a conversation about a week ago with a very very dear friend of mine, and we were talking about Romans 8:31-39, where it talks about how nothing can separate us from the love of God. Meaning, once we are saved, we are His. I've heard this verse a million times, it was always encouraging, knowing that no matter what comes my way, no matter what battles I've lost, I am His once and for all. 

Read this with me: "And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Nothing in all creation. That stuck out to me, and as my friend explained this to me, she said "Not even I, not even I myself can separate myself from His love." That pierced me. 

I came to a realization that I have been carrying all this guilt, all this shame, all this selfish thoughts around on my back, and I have been fighting to separate myself from Him, because I was undeserving. Although I was undeserving, yet very much so loved. 

No matter what I try to do, no matter how many walls I build between Him and I, even when I try to hide as Adam and Eve try in the garden, God will walk up to me, and He will ask "why are you in hiding?" 

nothing in all creation. I am His creation. My humanity will not separate myself from Him. How great is that? I honestly can't get over it. 

My grandmother, as I held her hand on her death bed, I whispered the words "I will change." Little did I know, He was already beginning to work in me and around me, because of her I am changing and I am done fighting it.

I also realized, that it's not even about my grandma, it's about Him revealing Himself to me. It's about His relentless pursuit. Through all of my mistakes, my thoughtless actions, and my dark cold heart, He doesn't want me in hiding.  

Not even I. Not even I. 


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